Hello Everyone, Lexi here! I did something bad! I really regret it but I’m going to write about it anyways. I have been sick with a cough for a while now and I went to the doctor and they didn’t give me any cough medicine for it which made me mad. I was going through my cupboards in the kitchen when I found my room mates bottle of cough syrup. I stole it.
I ended up drinking half of the bottle. Once I was high I just wanted more. I woke up in the morning feeling very sick to my stomach, of course I drank it on an empty stomach, and I found these horrific drawings I had done while I was high. They were scribbled messes of images of the way I view my own body.
I don’t even remember drawing last night. I get so itchy when I’m on pain meds and I kept waking up in the middle of the night scratching myself as the drugs wore off. Throughout the morning I felt ill and shakey. My body itched and craved more of the drug and I wanted to scream and throw things because it reminded me of all those horrible withdraw symptoms I went through to kick that stupid habit.
I instantly felt like a failure and a horrible person. It was also horrifying to see the drawings I did while I was in that state of mind. I need a sense of direction in my life.
I am supposed to be meeting with my mother tonight, we will see if that happens.
I tried really hard to work on my eating disorder assignment but when words escaped me I asked Becca to help me research it so that I had at least some information to go off of. What a damn nightmare. I need to go tell my teacher how hard this is for me.
I went out with a friend today who knows about my eating issues. I told him my blood sugar was low, and he asked me if I had eaten during the day. I said yes, which was the truth. But it didn’t satisfy him. He looked at me hard and proceeded to tell me that if I starve my body of calories when I’m working out, my body will go after my organs and my bones.
I just shrunk and looked away. I said “I know.”
At dinner I ordered a large pasta and chicken plate and I tried to eat slow because within the first three bites I felt extremely full. I pushed myself to eat in front of him because of his comments. I took about 2/3 of the dish home and finished it hours later.
The point is that I am letting other people’s actions and words affect me in a way that I don’t like. Any little sort of rejection seems to roll right off my shoulder. I don’t care who likes me who doesn’t or who thinks I’m weird or quiet or what ever. But really these mean words hurt down and I subconciously will starve myself because of them.
Because it is eating disorder awareness week I want you to really think about the things you say to your friends, or people around you. Your words have consequences unknown to you. I am a strong person and I hold my head high; I won’t ever let you see me cry because you hurt me, but I won’t eat for a week and you will never see that.
Tell someone their soul is beautiful. And for the love of god, please allow me to heal from the mistakes I have made. I need to refuse my impulses to use drugs to numb pain, physical or emotional.
I am so much better than this.
Thank you for being patient with my silly actions. I swear I will have good news soon.
I love you all and I encourage you to hug someone tightly today.
Love love love love, LEXI MEXI